Caution: Navel gazing
ahead
Is there anything worse as a 19 year old than being
dumped? With the distance of time and the
bravery of being out of range I can think of at least a dozen things, but when
you are in the thick of it having your heart metaphorically ripped from your
chest and having to cope with the fallout of teenage “feelings” is pure and
utter hell. If you’re lucky, you have a
friend or two who can talk you down off the emotional ledge you find yourself
on. Perhaps even more importantly, you
can find a song or album that either gives you the strength to endure or hits
you so squarely in the gut that you are literally knocked to your knees. This is one of those albums.
I had been dumped pretty hard my sophomore year of
college. That summer, I was on a visit
to the ex’s place in our college town and stopped with a mutual friend to our
local record shop (one I would later run).
Like most independent music stores, the bulk of their profits came from
the re-selling of used CDs and promotional copies of albums (which, while
technically less-than-legal, helped keep a lot of places in the black back in
the late-90s). They used to keep a box
of promos on the counter top and for anywhere from two to five bucks you could
pick up a major label cast-off, sans artwork.
That afternoon I hit the mother lode.
But first, I have to jump backwards for a moment. In high
school I had worked at a local chain mall record store that had a very serious
deep discount for its employees (not of the “five finger” variety, but not too
far off). Being an adventurous (and
self-guided) fan of music, the disposable income I made working there was
pumped right back in to buying as many cassettes and CDs as I could afford. The fact that I could get things on the cheap
practically goaded me into making purchases that I knew little to nothing about. I remember being struck by the look of this
one album– a golden-hued broken down roller coaster adorned its cover. It was
the first self-titled album by Red House Painters, and being the pre-internet
age, I knew nothing about it other than the fact that the artwork was majestic
looking and made me want to weep. I
bought the cassette and put it in my parent’s hi-fi one night while they were
out. The music that came forth was
bleary, emotional, drenched in reverb and fucking heartbreaking. I was hooked almost immediately. The tape played through three or four times
before I even realized that several hours had passed and I knew every word and
note seemingly as if I had written them myself.
This was something that was wholly mine – I knew no other 17 year old
who had been given the keys to unlocking this treasure and I greedily kept the
secret of Red House Painters to myself and my closest friend (who in turn also
became an uber-fan).
Fast forward several years to that box of promo CDs and
cassettes and lo and behold, I found myself face to face with a pre-release
promo cassette for the latest Red House Painters album, “Songs for a Blue
Guitar”. Now, not only did I have
access to the new album by one of my favorite groups, but I got to hear it
before most of the other “fans”. Ego and
empathy battled and I could not hand over the $3 quickly enough and pop the
cassette into my car stereo. Seventy
minutes and twenty-eight seconds later I had a new favorite album.
The album starts with only the guitar and voice of lead
Painter Mark Kozelek and it perfectly encapsulated how I was feeling – alone, bowed
but determined. Drums shuffle in and a
lead guitar figure dances around.
Perhaps everything would be ok!
And then the bottom drops out.
“Song for a Blue Guitar” opens with what may be one of the
most heartbreaking lines in all of Western music: “When everything we felt
failed”. Damn. Set to a couple of minor
chords and adorned with the sad whine of Bruce Kaphan’s pedal steel, Kozelek
sings low in his register as a female vocalist sings in harmony
throughout. Things are not going to be
ok, and this sad bastard music is what a 19 year old’s heart sounds like when
it chances upon that realization.
The rest of the album vacillates between these two poles –
music so beautiful it almost hurts to listen to and so uplifting and gorgeous
that you can’t help but give it your ears. Kozelek tapped into the things that
made being young so overwhelming but ultimately worth experiencing and fed them
back through his songs: the gnarled, unending Neil-Young-like guitar solo in
“Make Like Paper”; the finger-picked melancholy and phantom screeches of
“Trailways”; the way the guitar surges in the choruses of his cover of the
Cars’ “All Mixed Up”. Each reflected
part of what I was feeling when I looked back upon my broken relationship and
see-sawed back and forth emotionally between feeling hurt by her breaking up
with me and missing her so much that I couldn’t eat or sleep. It was a perfectly balanced mix of all the
things I was feeling and it made me feel less alone. I really don’t know that I could every
accurately describe the impact “Songs for a Blue Guitar” had, but I can tell
you that I might not be here without it.
And that means something.
Stray observations:
- I didn’t and don’t like the cover of Yes’ “Long
Distance Runaround” that is included here.
I understand the need for levity, but the song seems like an insult or
slap in the face every time it comes on in comparison to the beauty and grace
of the rest of the album.
- The album somewhat notoriously got Red House
Painters dropped from their record label, 4ad.
The stories behind why differ, but I like the version that has
label-head Ivo Watts-Russell dropping them for the almost-nine-minutes of
guitar solo in “Make Like Paper”. That’s
pretty badass!